Learn from your mistakes. As you look back over the past few years you may feel good about accomplishments or you may feel regret, pain or sadness over mistakes made. When reflecting on mistakes and painful experiences, some people approach it in unhealthy ways. They deny any responsibility and avoid self-examination by blaming others for the problem. How do you react when you make a mistake? Do you put the blame on someone else? Do you deny it and say it wasn’t really a mistake at all? Or do you own it, take responsibility, learn from it and make changes. Each time you make a mistake, whether on purpose or accidentally, you have an opportunity to learn a valuable life lesson. When you try to be perfect, blameless and flawless, you miss out on what mistakes can teach you and you set yourself up for failure.

Humans learn by making mistakes. As children we learn to walk by falling down. The most successful people made many mistakes and learned from them. Thomas Edison made 1,000 attempts to invent the light bulb before he found the design that worked. The Wright Brothers made numerous attempts to fly their plane before they finally got it right. Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as a television reporter because she was “unfit for TV” but went on to become a successful media giant. What if these people refused to acknowledge their mistakes and learn from them?

The famous Irish novelist and poet James Joyce said, “Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” Examining mistakes should not lead to self-recrimination. You’re human and as long as you are breathing you will make mistakes. The purpose in admitting and examining your mistakes is to learn from them and make necessary changes.

When you make a mistake ask yourself the following questions:

1. What could I have done differently?
2. What do I need to learn from this experience?
3. What do I need to change?

We may not always make the best decisions. We may not always handle situations well. We may even wish we could press the “undo” button. It takes a lot of courage to face up to your mistakes but you will benefit greatly from it. People that never take responsibility for their actions lack the courage and wisdom required to make changes and unfortunately are doomed to repeat their mistakes. Our true character is revealed in how we handle mistakes. If we learn from them, we will grow in wisdom and avoid unnecessary pain in the future. The biggest mistake you can make in life is failing to learn from the mistakes you will inevitably make.

Commit to learn from your mistakes. You’ll make them anyway. Why not turn them into opportunities for growth?

 Perfectionism in Perspective

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=52

Books

1. Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind

http://www.selfcompassion.org/

2. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
3. Overcoming Perfectionism, Revised & Updated: Finding the Key to Balance and Self-Acceptance

 

Emotions. Are they your enemy or your friend? Do you acknowledge your emotions or do you bury them?  When you bury emotions they are not dead, but very much alive and they are affecting you in ways you probably don’t realize.

Many people want to avoid their feelings for fear of losing control or experiencing the associated pain.  To avoid the emotions, people will get busy, exercise more, use addictive substances, or just pretend it has not happened.  This may seem effective at the time but burying emotions affects your physical and mental well-being.  When you ignore, dismiss or repress emotions, you can exacerbate many serious illnesses such as cancer, arthritis, and many types of chronic pain.

Many people think if a painful memory or emotion isn’t in their thoughts daily then it has been dealt with. However, if you buried the emotion or memory rather than working through it, it will affect your thinking, actions and reactions to situations.  A person that has buried emotions will explode in anger at something that seems relatively trivial and harmless.  It is similar to a volcano that builds up pressure until it finally erupts.  The person cannot control or repress the emotions any longer and it begins to leak out in harmful and unhealthy ways.  Other symptoms of buried or repressed emotions are:

• Fatigue
• Depression or anxiety
• Addiction
• Rarely talking about your feelings
• Troubled personal relationships with family, friends, acquaintances
• Difficulty accepting yourself and others

Emotions are reliable indicators of what is really going on inside of you.  Painful or negative feelings indicate unmet needs, or you are interpreting reality through a harmful thinking pattern (eg. “I never do anything right.” “Everyone is always against me.” etc.).  Positive feelings indicate your needs are being met and you are experiencing healthy attitudes and actions.  Emotions are an effective teacher if you listen to them.

You can learn how to feel and deal with your emotions instead of burying them and experiencing the negative consequences.  When an emotion of any type emerges:

1. Tune into the specific physical experience of the emotion. Do I have a knot in my stomach? Does my throat feel tight?
2. Name the emotion. Is it anger? Is it fear? Is it grief?
3. Determine the cause. Why am I feeling this way? What thoughts are going through my mind?
4. Feel the emotion. Find a safe place to experience the emotion. If you are sad, allow yourself to cry. If you are angry, express it in a non-destructive way and allow it to dissipate.
5. Evaluate what can be learned and/or needs to be changed. Is there a thinking pattern that is harmful to me?  Am I seeing things clearly or am I being influenced by my past?
6. Determine action What needs to change? Do I need to work through these emotions at a deeper level?

This process may be very difficult for you.  However, you can learn the skills to identify, feel, and evaluate emotions and it is worth your time and effort.  Being strongly connected to your emotions is essential to having a full and satisfying life.

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” Robert Anthony

Why do some people blame others instead of accepting responsibility for their actions?  If you have trouble accepting responsibility or are the object of someone’s unjustified blame, it may help you to understand the dynamics behind this behaviour. Some of the reasons people blame others:

1. They feel out of control. Unable to handle the fear of being out of control and helpless in a situation, people will restore their sense of control by blaming others. By blaming others the helpless person assumes the position of the accuser and feels more in control.
2. Did not learn to take responsibility for actions. Some parents fail to teach their children how to take responsibility for their actions.  When they grow up, they blame others whenever something bad happens.
3. Unable to admit failure or mistakes. People that cannot accept they are imperfect will blame others to avoid responsibility.  Being flawed or imperfect is interpreted as having no self-worth accompanied by feelings of shame.
4. Unable to accept what happened. To avoid accepting that something has changed, people will blame others.

When people fail to take personal responsibility for failures and mistakes, the road to constructive change is blocked.  Dr. Elliot Cohen wrote, “While people are not perfect they can learn from their mistakes—but only if they admit them and change their behavior in the future” (2012).

Life is about learning.  Instead of looking at mistakes or failures as negative and shifting blame, look at them as opportunities to learn new things or sharpen your skills.  When a child starts school, do you expect the child to already know how to read and write?  No, you expect the child to learn and eventually grow in his or her abilities.  It is the same with adults.  You weren’t born with the knowledge to have a successful relationship, be a good employee, or raise healthy children (for example).  These are things you learn and you will make mistakes along the way.

If you blame others to avoid responsibility, give yourself a break and let go of your need to be perfect.  Making mistakes or failing says nothing negative about who you are.  You are human and we all make mistakes.  Learn from them.  When you take responsibility for your life and accept that it is ok to be imperfect, you will find more peace and happiness and begin to grow mentally and spiritually.

If you are the object of blame, refuse to accept the blame for situations you were not personally responsible for.  Carrying other people’s responsibilities is a heavy load that can lead to depression and anxiety.  As well, by accepting the other person’s responsibility you are robbing them of the opportunity to solve their problems and learn from their mistakes.  Instead, help the blamer accept their imperfections and provide support and encouragement to learn from mistakes.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

How did I end up in another bad relationship?  Why do I keep choosing the wrong partner or friend?  Have you asked yourself these questions?  Do certain patterns keep popping up in your relationships?  Without realizing it, most of us follow distinct patterns that are often learned in childhood and we will continue to repeat them unless they are identified and changes are made.

As a child, my mother had an undiagnosed personality disorder and her mental illness created an unsafe, volatile and chaotic home.  This left me and my sister with deep emotional scars.  Children in abusive dysfunctional homes believe their experience is normal and they learn to imitate the behaviours witnessed.  When I became an adult I realized that my upbringing was not normal or healthy and I had been influenced by what I experienced.  Determined to break free of destructive patterns, I worked with a therapist over several years to recognize unhealthy relationships and change my behaviour.

Although making changes wasn’t easy, I have benefited both personally and professionally.  As a manager, I now recognize and minimize unhealthy, destructive behavior in the workplace (such as gossip or lying) to ensure a congenial, harmonious work environment where creativity is stimulated and staff work as a team.  As a counsellor, I can teach clients what I learned about identifying unhealthy behaviour and ending destructive patterns.  In my personal life, I have healthy, nurturing relationships and boundaries that eliminate the drama and chaos associated with unhealthy behaviour.

Are you ready to end the drama and chaos in your relationships?  The first step is to recognize some of the signs of an unhealthy relationship.  Read through the list below and check off the statements that apply to a current or past relationship (romantic or friendship):

1. My relationship is full of fighting, blaming and unforgiveness.
2. My partner/friend gossips about me to other people instead of working out our problems together.
3. I am blamed for everything and my partner/friend never takes responsibility for his/her actions.
4. I spend a lot of energy defending myself or trying to be understood.
5. My partner/friend often lies and there is no trust in our relationship.
6. My partner/friend uses guilt and manipulation to get his/her way.
7. I am afraid of my partner/friend’s anger.
8. My partner/friend is controlling and we are not equal.
9. Our communication is mainly negative and includes put-downs, criticisms and insults.
10. My partner/friend is very possessive and is often jealous.
11. In this relationship, I feel worse about myself and less comfortable in my own skin.
12. My partner/friend tries to change me and I am not respected for who I am.
13. My relationship leaves me feeling exhausted and spent.

How many statements did you check off?  Were you surprised to see some of your own behaviour in the list?  If you recognized many of the unhealthy signs in your relationships, don’t be discouraged.  Stop the pain, chaos and drama in your life.  Seek out resources on building healthy relationships. Talk to a therapist or a friend that has healthy relationships to begin to make changes.  Set boundaries to protect yourself and begin to change your own destructive patterns so you can have healthy, nurturing relationships.