Legal Resource

LegalAve is a free website that brings together legal resources from different organization in Alberta to help people dealing with family law issues.  This includes information about separation and divorce, child support, custody, guardianship, parenting time, partner/spousal support, property division, family violence and more.

Women’s Group Resource

Making Connections – Moving Forward

For women who have been impacted by control, violence and abuse in an intimate relationship.

Group offers focus on issues related to the dynamics of abuse – cycle of violence, types of abuse, red flags, safety planning, the impact of abuse on self and others, community resources etc.

Participation in group is voluntary.

Wednesday drop in – Southeast Edmonton Location

Thursday drop in – Northeast Edmonton Location

6:30-8:30 PM        Free Childcare provided

making-connections-poster

Men’s Support Groups

City of Edmonton Support groups for men:
https://www.edmonton.ca/programs_services/for_family_individuals/mens-support-services.aspx
Email: mensgroups@edmonton.ca
From Chaos to Peace
Free registered group
Learn about abuse and control
Safety planning and education
Safe and supportive environment

Momentum Walk-In Counselling Society
http://www.momentumcounselling.org/men-without-hats/
Men Without Hats – The group is open to any man who wants to improve his life with the support of other men. Thursday Evenings 6:30 pm – 8:30 pm. No cost and free parking available. Drop-in to visit and share coffee, snacks and receive men’s support for strategies on stress, healthy relationships and managing current challenges. Men’s Group does have a counsellor to facilitate each week. The meetings are weekly, ongoing, drop-in and confidential.

Aspirations Inc.
https://www.asafeplacetogrow.ca/mancavesecrets/
(780) 468-1366
9853 – 90 Ave, Edmonton, AB T6E 2T2
aspirations@asafeplacetogrow.ca
Man Cave Secrets – They provide a safe, open and welcoming environment for all attendees who wish to discuss those topics that weigh heavily on their mind and shoulders.

Summit Counselling Services:
9915B 82 Ave NW Edmonton, AB
(780) 666-9808
Email: general.summitcs@gmail.com
Anger Management & Communication Skills for Men –

Men’s Issues Group – Topics may include: depression, anxiety, emotional regulation, grief & loss, trauma, relationship conflict and communication

Group Therapy Resource

Drop-In Group – Coping with Depression and Anxiety

Wednesday 6:30-8:00   October 5, 19, Nov 2, 16, 30, Dec 4, 2016

No Fee, No Registration

9562 82 Avenue Edmonton

Relationship Resource

Red Flags in a Relationship

Check off the red flags that are in your past or future relationship. Be sure to check your own behaviours that are red flags. Once you recognize the behaviours, they can be changed.

Lack of Communication
- Difficulty talking about issues or expressing feelings.
 – Emotionally distant.
 – Communication is expressed through moodiness, and sometimes the “silent treatment”.

Irresponsible, Immature, and Unpredictable Behaviour
 – Has trouble taking themselves, managing their finances and personal space, holding onto a job,
and making plans for their life and their future.
-  Small crises surrounding the way they live their life daily life may take up a lot of time and energy.
-  Hard to rely on them for almost anything.

Lack of trust
-  Has difficulty being honest with himself or herself and others
 – Does not take responsibilities for actions.

Significant family and friends don’t like your partner.
 – If there is something “off” about this person that seems obvious to those who know you well, you may need to listen to what they are telling you.

Controlling behaviour.
-  Attempts to drive a wedge between you and other significant people in your life.
-  Jealous of other friendships or relationships and feels the need to control where you go and who you associate with.

Feeling insecure in the relationship.
-  You feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or anxious about where the relationship is heading.
 – You are working harder than your partner at the relationship.

A dark or secretive past.
-  Behaviours that are suspect, illegal activities, and addictive behaviours that haven’t been resolved and continue into your relationship.

Non-resolution of past relationships.
-  Unable to evaluate why past relationships haven’t worked out, or consistently blames the other party for all of the problems.

Abusive behaviour.
-  Verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual and physical abuse.

Styles of Communication

Aggressive Style: A person communicating in an aggressive style expresses his or her feelings in a way that violates the rights of another person. The aggressive person uses humiliation, criticism, sarcasm, insults or threats to get his or her point across. The goal of aggressive communication is to dominate the situation and win at the other persons expense.
The aggressive person is giving the message: I am right and you are wrong. Your feelings are not important. I don’t need to listen to what you have to say. My view is the only one that matters.

Passive style: A person communicating in a passive style does not say what he or she is feeling or thinking. The passive person gives in to other people’s requests, demands or feelings and does not acknowledge his or her own feelings, concerns or wants. When the person does express his or her feelings, it is usually done in an apologetic or timid way so that it’s easy for other people to ignore him or her.
The goal of passive communication is to play it safe, not rock the boat, put everyone else’s needs first and avoid conflict at all costs.
The passive person is communicating the message: I don’t count. What I need is not important. You don’t have to take my feelings into account.

Passive Aggressive Style: A person communicating in a passive-aggressive style uses more hidden forms of aggression to express his or her feelings. The goal is to give the message without having to say it directly.

Assertive Style: A person communicating in an assertive style stands up for his or her personal rights and expresses thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways. The person conveys his or her message without dominating, criticizing, or degrading the other person.
The goal of assertive communication is to honestly state your feelings, and show respect for the other person’s position as well. The assertive person is communicating the message: the feelings and needs of both of us are important. I am telling you what I need, and I also want to know what you need so we can both be satisfied.

Taken from mincava.edu

Styles of Communication Scenarios

Read each scenario and identify which of the responses is aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.

1. Tom’s wife, Madeline, returns home late after a girl’s night out, she said she would be home by 10:00 pm, but she shows up at 1:00 am. Tom has been waiting for her and is upset and worried. He could:

a. Greet her and ask how her night was.
b. Start shouting and tell her she’s irresponsible and he can’t trust her
c. Not say anything, but refuse to wake her up in time to go to work as he usually does.
d. Say, “I’ve been really worried about you, I need you to let me know if you are going to be later than originally planned.”

2. Kelly is overwhelmed with housework and needs to prepare dinner after a long day at work. When her husband Glen walks through the door she could ask him:

a. “Why don’t you ever help me with anything? You are so lazy!”
b. “How was your day?” and continue to do all the chores herself.
c. “I’m completely overwhelmed, could you please help me tidy up so I can get dinner started?”
d. Remain silent, but when he doesn’t help, make something for dinner he dislikes.

3. David is upset when his partner Mark returns home with a new very expensive cell phone that they cannot afford. Mark is not presently working and David is having a hard time covering all the finances.

a. Say nothing, and feel anxious
b. Tell Mark that he is a lazy idiot and he will be taking the phone back.
c. Tell Mark they are in trouble financially and that if Mark wants to make big purchases like these that he will need to get a job and bring in some income.
d. Tell Mark he likes the new phone, but then talk about how tired he is, and how stressful it is to never get to buy himself anything despite being the only one working.

4. Elizabeth is attending a party with her husband Cole, at the party a female work colleague of Cole’s mentions that she calls Cole her work husband and everyone thinks she and Cole would be a perfect couple. Elizabeth should:

a. Say, “I feel you are behaving inappropriately. Please be respectful to me and Cole.” Then talk to Cole about what had been said and give him an opportunity to share what he feels about what was said.
b. Laugh politely, and then later snoop through Coles phone and look for signs of an affair.
c. Tell the woman she is acting like a slut and accuse Cole of having an affair.
d. Laugh politely at the woman, but make no mention to her husband what was said.

5. Brian and his wife Kathleen are watching a movie they have chosen together after the kids have gone to bed, Brian is hoping they can cuddle on the couch together, but Kathleen hasn’t put her phone down and hasn’t even looked at him. Should he:

a. Turn the tv off and grab her phone and throw it
b. Continue watching the show anyway
c. Ask Kathleen to put the phone away so they can have some quality time together
d. Change the channel to something only he wants to watch and see if she notices

SUPPORT AND CONSELLING SERVICES FOR MEN:

Edmonton and Surrounding Area:

Edmonton Family Violence Treatment, Education and Research Centre

#115 9303 – 34 Avenue
Edmonton, AB
T6E 5W8
Tel: (780) 439-4635
Fax: (780) 432-3333
Email: efvterc@shaw.ca
Web site: http://www.edmontonvpc.ca/

Organizational Attributes:

Information and referral
Individual counselling
Group counselling
A sliding scale fee is available by request
Materials available
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients

Circle of Safety Aboriginal Consulting Services Associates of Alberta

11010 105 Street, Suite 204
Edmonton, AB
T5J 1C4
Tel: (780) 448-0378
Fax: (780) 448-0379
Email: langu@shaw.ca

Organizational Attributes:

Group counselling
Wheelchair accessible
One partner in the couple must be Aboriginal in order to access services
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients
Aboriginal clients
Domestic Violence Program, Anger Management Program

Alberta Hospital Edmonton: Forensic Assessment and Community Services
10242 105th Street, 8th Floor
Edmonton, AB
T5J 3L5
Tel: (780) 428-0455
Fax: (780) 426-7272

Organizational Attributes:

Individual counselling
Group counselling
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Family Support and Intervention Program

Camrose and District Support Services Family Violence Action Society

#3 Community Centre, 4516 54th Street
Camrose, AB
T4V 4W7
Tel: (780) 672-0141
Fax: (780) 672-2833
Email: cdss5@telusplanet.net

Organizational Attributes:

Information and referral
Individual counselling
Group counselling
Materials available
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients
Changing Ways

Leduc Victim Services

#1, 4119 50 Street
Leduc, AB
T9E 7L9
Tel: (780) 980-7232

Organizational Attributes:

Group counselling
Fee
Wheelchair accessible
This program is run annually based on available funding. Please ask for Victim Services to register
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients
New Perspectives

Lloydminster Interval Home Society

PO Box 1523
Lloydminster, AB
S9V 1K5
Tel: (780) 875-0966
Fax: (780) 875-0609
Email: lihsi@telusplanet.net
Web site: http://www.intervalhome.org/cms/

Organizational Attributes:

Information and referral
Group counselling
Fee
Materials available
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients

Courage to Change Medicine Hat Family Services

497 3rd Street S.E.
Medicine Hat, AB
T1A 0G8
Tel: (403) 504-8026
Fax: (403) 504-0351
Email: mhfs2000@memlane.com

Organizational Attributes:

Individual counselling
Group counselling
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients

Jim Freeman Psychotherapist Ltd.

2nd Floor Commerce Court
Red Deer, AB
T4N 2G7
Tel: (403) 343-9200
Fax: (403) 343-9201

Organizational Attributes:

Group counselling
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients
New Hope Group

Family and Community Support Services
PO Box 509
Whitecourt, AB
T7S 1N6
Tel: (780) 778-6300
Fax: (780) 778-2062

Organizational Attributes:

Information and referral
Group counselling
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients

Calgary:

Calgary Regional Health Authority Peter Lougheed Hospital: Forensic Assessment and Outpatient Services

3500 26th Avenue N.E.
Calgary, AB
T1Y 6J4
Tel: (403) 943-4596
Fax: (403) 219-3521

Organizational Attributes:

Individual counselling
Group counselling
Materials available
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Family Violence Prevention Educational Program

Mount Royal College / Government of Alberta

3838 Manchester Road
Calgary, AB
T2G 3Z9
Tel: (403) 297-2577
Fax: (403) 297-2623
Email: john.lee@gov.ab.ca

Organizational Attributes:

Information and referral
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients

Men’s Crisis Service Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter Association

495 36th Street N.E., Suite 255
Calgary, AB
T2A 6K3
Fax: (403) 248-8851
Tel: (403) 299-9680
Email: info@cwes.calgary.ab.ca

Organizational Attributes:

Group counselling
Materials available
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Voluntary clients
Paths of Change Family Violence Prevention Program

YWCA Family Violence Prevention Program

2002 16th Street S.E.
Calgary, AB
T2G 5B7
Tel: (403) 266-4111
Fax:(403) 262-1743
Email: sheriffk@ywcaofcalgary.ca
Email: ggibbons@ywcaofcalgary.ca
Web site: https://www.ywcalgary.ca/programs-services/counselling/

Organizational Attributes:

Individual counselling
Group counselling
Bilingual
Multilingual (Punjabi and Hindi )
A sliding scale fee is available by request
Materials available
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients
Aboriginal clients
New Canadians

Calgary Counselling Centre

940 6th Avenue S.W., Suite 200
Calgary, AB
T2P 3T1
Tel: (403) 265-4980
Fax: (403) 265-8886
Email: contactus@calgarycounselling.com
Web site: https://calgarycounselling.com/

Organizational Attributes:

Information and referral
Group counselling
Wheelchair accessible
Clients Served:

Mandatory clients
Voluntary clients
Changing Ways

Talking to Your Children When There has been Violence in the Home

• Talk about it when they are ready. Offer to discuss the abuse whenever they are ready, or answer their questions.
• Listen to them without interrupting.
• Talk about their feelings.
• Show understanding and empathy.
• Tell them it’s not their fault.
• Tell them you love them.
• Tell them you will try and keep them safe and intend to act in a way that is safe for everyone.
• Let them know that violence is never okay.
• Talk about how hard it must be to talk about it right now.
• Always act in a way that is not violent or abusive with your children.
• Take them for counselling if needed.
• If your child acts violently, talk about it right away. Set limits and discuss ow confusing this must be.
• Be patient – it might take a while for your child to respond.
• Take care of yourself and manage your own guilt and regret.
How YOUR Denial Impacts Your Children
• Violence/abuse appears “normal”
• Your child may be afraid to talk about the abuse because it seems okay to everyone else.
• Your child may not understand what is happening and experience confusion.
• Children usually blame themselves
• Because no on talks about what is happening, children learn to deny their own thoughts and feelings. They do not learn how to discuss and resolve important things.
• Children may feel crazy
• They may feel lonely and isolated from their friends
 

Based on Helping Children Who Witness Domestic Violence: A Guide for Parents (Instructor’s Manual) by Meg Crager and Lily Anderson. (1997)
Adapted from http://www.lfcc.on.ca/ece-us.PDF

Book Resource

The Emotionally Abused Woman, by Beverley Engel

If you feel unfairly criticized, controlled by others, or are afraid of being lonely, you could be suffering from emotional abuse. Now there is help in this compassionate sourcebook. Bevery Engel, a marriage, family, and child therapist, guides you through a step-by-step recovery process to help you heal the damage done in the past.

Book Resource

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman

Words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, physical touching – learning these love languages will get your marriage off to a great start or enhance a long-standing one! Chapman explains the purpose of each “language” and shows you how to identify the one that’s meaningful to your spouse now.
Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships in today’s world, this new edition of The 5 Love Languages reveals intrinsic truths and provides action steps in each chapter that will help you on your way to a healthier relationship. Also includes an updated personal profile.

Relationship Resource

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships – John Gottman

The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes

Even the most successful relationships have conflict. Our research has shown that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve,” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects.
The first step in effectively managing conflict is to identify and fight The Four Horsemen when they arrive in your conflict discussions. To do otherwise is to risk serious problems in the future of your relationship. Below, we share antidotes for fighting off The Four Horsemen in your relationship.
Criticism: A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism attacks the character of the person. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame. Talk about your feelings using I statements and then express a positive need. What do you feel? What do you need?
• Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.”
• Antidote: “I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight. Can we please talk about my day?”
Defensiveness: Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, the problem isn’t me, it’s you. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict.
• Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late, it’s your fault.”
• Antidote: “Well, part of this is my problem, I need to think more about time.”
Contempt: Statements that come from a relative position of superiority. Some examples of displays of contempt include when a person uses sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. The antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect.
• Contempt: “You’re an idiot.”
• Antidote: “I’m proud of the way you handled that teacher conference.”
Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction. The antidote is to practice physiological self-soothing. The first step of physiological self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion. If you keep going, you’ll find yourself exploding at your partner or imploding (stonewalling), neither of which will get you anywhere. The only reasonable strategy, therefore, is to let your partner know that you’re feeling flooded and need to take a break. That break should last at least twenty minutes, since it will be that long before your body physiologically calms down. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”). Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music or exercising.

Book Resource

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert

With more than a million copies sold worldwide, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages.

John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy.

Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.

Packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, this revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Book Resource

The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans

In this fully expanded and updated third edition of the bestselling classic, you learn why verbal abuse is more widespread than ever, and how you can deal with it. You’ll get more of the answers you need to recognize abuse when it happens, respond to abusers safely and appropriately, and most important, lead a happier, healthier life.

In two all-new chapters, Evans reveals the Outside Stresses driving the rise in verbal abuse – and shows you how you can mitigate the devastating effects on your relationships. She also outlines the Levels of Abuse that characterize this kind of behavior – from subtle, insidious put-downs that can erode your self-esteem to full-out tantrums of name-calling, screaming, and threatening that can escalate into physical abuse.

Drawing from hundreds of real situations suffered by real people just like you, Evans offers strategies, sample scripts, and action plans designed to help you deal with the abuse – and the abuser.

This timely new edition of The Verbally Abusive Relationship puts you on the road to recognizing and responding to verbal abuse, one crucial step at a time!

Book Resource

The Wounded Heart, by Dr. Dan Allender

Sexual abuse knows no religious or social boundaries. The Wounded Heart is an intensely personal and specific look at this form of abuse. Dr. Allender explores the secret lament of the soul damaged by sexual abuse and lays hold of the hope buried there by the One whose unstained image we all bear. Includes information about false memory issues.

Book Resource

Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook), by Matthew McKay PhD

If you are depressed, anxious, angry, worried, confused, frustrated, upset, or ashamed, please remember that you are not alone in your struggle with painful feelings and experiences. Everybody experiences emotional distress sometimes. It’s normal. But when the pain becomes too strong and too enduring, it’s time to take that important first step toward feeling better.
Painful thoughts can arise in many ways. You may struggle with anxiety and depression, or feel that procrastination or perfectionism is holding you back. Regardless of the issue, you’ve come to this book with a desire to change your thoughts and feelings for the better. This classic self-help workbook offers powerful cognitive therapy tools for making that happen.
Now in its fourth edition, Thoughts and Feelings provides you with twenty evidence-based techniques that can be combined to create a personal treatment plan for overcoming a range of mental health concerns, including worry, panic attacks, depression, low self-esteem, anger, and emotional and behavioral challenges of any kind. Customize your plan to address multiple concerns at once, or troubleshoot the thoughts and feelings that bother you most. Used and recommended by the most renowned and respected therapists, this comprehensive mental health workbook offers all of best psychological tools for quickly regaining mastery over your moods and emotions. This endlessly useful guide has helped thousands of readers:
Challenge self-sabotaging patterns of thinking
Practice relaxation techniques to maintain self-control in stressful situations
Change the core beliefs that drive painful emotions
Identify and prioritize their values for a more focused, fulfilling life
Using proven effective methods based in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT, and mindfulness, this book will help you take that first step toward feeling better—about yourself, and about the world around you. Isn’t it time you started really enjoying life?

Types of Abuse:

Psychological/ Emotional Abuse

Verbal Abuse

• Name calling
• Destructive criticism
• Accusing

Blaming

• Yelling
• Making humiliating remarks or gestures
Pressure Tactics
• Rushing a partner to make decisions through “guilt tripping” and other forms of intimidation
• Sulking
• Threatening to withhoild money
• Using children to manipulate partner
• Keeping partner awake for hours to change his/her mind on something
• Pressuring partner for se

Abusing Authority or Trust:

• Always claiming to be right
• Telling partner what to do
• Making big decisions without discussing it with partner first
• Lying
• Withholding information
• Infidelity
• Unreasonable jealousy

Disrespect:

• Interrupting
• Changing topics
• Not listening or responding
• Twisting words
• Putting partner down in front of other people
• Belittling your partner, friends and family
• Belittling your partners friends or family

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

• Making light of abusive behaviour
• Denying that the abuse has happened
• Blaming partner for abuse

Isolation:

• Preventing or making it difficult for partner to see friends or relatives
• Monitoring phone calls
• Telling partner where he/she can and cannot go

Harassment:

• Making uninvited visits or calls
• Following partner
• Checking up on partner
• Embarrassing partner in public
• Refusing to leave when asked

Emotional Withholding:

• Not expressing feelings
• Not giving support, attention or compliments
• Not respecting rights, feelings or opinions

Financial Abuse:

• Interfering with partner’s work or not letting them work
• Withholding or taking money
• Denying partner access to the car or other property
• Threatening to report partner to Child and Family Services or other agencies
• Sabotaging partner’s efforts to improve economically (i.e.: going to school or training program)
• Creates debt in partner’s name
• Sells partners possessions

Sexual Abuse:

• Degrading treatment based on partner’s gender or sexual orientation
• Using force, threats, or coercion to obtain sex or perform sexual acts
• Unwanted touching or fondling
• Not respecting personal privacy such as undressing, going to the washroom or personal hygiene
Spiritual Abuse:
• Refusing your partner to practice their religion of choice
• Criticizing partner’s religion
• Making partner participate in your religion

Physical Violence

Intimidation:

• Making angry or threatening gestures
• Use of physical size to intimidate
• Standing in the doorway during arguments
• Driving recklessly when partner or children are in the car

Destruction:

• Destroying partner’s possessions
• Punching walls
• Throwing and/or breaking things

Threats:

• Making and/or carrying out threats to hurt partner and others

Assault:

• Being violent to partner, children, pets or others; slapping, punching, grabbing, kicking, choking, pushing, biting, and burning

Assault with a Weapon:

• Use or threatened use of weapons
• Keeping weapons around to frighten partner
• Constantly reminding partner of the weapons
• Stabbing, shooting, using object to strike, choke or burn (i.e.: belt, rope, lighter etc)

Adapted in part from Domestic Violence: The Facts. Battered Women Fighting Back! Inc. Boston, MA.

Book Resource

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, by Patricia Evans

If your partner: seems irritated or angry at you several times a week, denies being angry when he clearly is, does not work with you to resolve important issues, rarely or never seems to share thoughts or plans with you, or tells you that he has no idea what you’re talking about when you try to discuss important problems…you need this book.

Verbal Abuse: Survivors Speak Out outlines solutions to abusive relationships, tells victims where to find shelters and support groups, and analyzes why many therapists misdiagnose problems in violent relationships.

What are Boundaries?

Having clear boundaries is important to have a healthy balanced lifestyle. Boundaries are rules and limits that people must use to let others know how they want to be treated in a way that’s respectful, safe and how they will respond when others cross their limits. Boundaries mark the things we are responsible for and the things we are not.

Types of Boundaries:

• Material boundaries – Determine if you are willing to give or lend things, like your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.

• Physical boundaries – Your personal space, privacy and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to which people and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity and locked doors?

• Mental boundaries – Your thoughts, values and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.

• Emotional boundaries – Being able to separate your emotions from someone else’s. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving unwanted advice, blaming or accepting blame. The protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require you to know your own feelings and your responsibility to yourself and others.

• Sexual boundaries – Protecting yourself and your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when and with who the activity is occurring with.

• Spiritual boundaries – Your beliefs and experiences with God, or a a higher power.

Setting Effective Boundaries:
Often people set a boundary, but then say it didn’t help. There’s a method to setting boundaries successfully. If you set boundaries in anger or by nagging you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They are more effective when you are assertive, calm, firm and respectful. If that doesn’t work you may need to communicate what the consequences will be if others do not respect your boundaries. Never give a consequence you are not able to carry out.
It takes time, support and relearning to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s taking care of yourself – every time you say “no” you are saying “yes” to yourself. It builds your self-esteem. But often it takes time and encouragement to make yourself a priority and to keep going even when you receive pushback from others.

Guilt and Resentment:
Anger is a clear sign that action is required. If you feel resentful or victimized and are blaming someone or something, it might mean you haven’t been setting boundaries. If you feel anxious or guilty about setting boundaries, remember, your relationship suffers when you are unhappy. Once you get more practice setting boundaries, you feel empowered and suffer less anxiety, resentment, and guilt. Generally, you receive more respect from others and your relationships improve.

Adapted from Lancer, D. What are personal boundaries? How do I get some?

Book Resource

Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft

In this groundbreaking book, domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft uses his unique perspective as a therapist for abusive and controlling men to help women, their children, and other family members who have been touched by abuse understand why abusers behave the way they do and what can be done about it. Bancroft teaches women how to survive and improve an abusive relationship; how to determine how dangerous an abuser is and when it is impossible to rectify a situation; and how to get out of a relationship safely. Bancroft identifies nine types of abusive men, addressing different styles, from the physical batterer to the strictly verbal abuser. He dispels the pervasive societal myths surrounding abuse, exposing common excuses used by abusers, such as having experienced an abusive childhood or substance addiction. Bancroft answers commonly asked questions, such as what warning signs of abuse to look for early in a relationship; what is and isn’t abusive behavior; how to know if a woman and her children are in danger; and how to tell when a man is really changing. Why Does He Do That’gets to the heart of abusive men’s thoughts and behaviors, making it a vital resource for victims of domestic violence, their families, and professionals. This empowering book gives women the tools they need to get back in control of their own lives.

WOMENS SUPPORT GROUPS:

Life Roots Counselling Services
http://liferoots.ca/counselling/
9915 – 82 Ave, Edmonton, AB T6E 1Z1
587-400-0227
lindsay@liferoots.ca
Artful Recovery: Thriving After Abuse – This art therapy group in Edmonton empowers women to feel more in control of their lives.
Healthy Boundaries & Relationships: Healthy boundaries impact our ability to feel respected and cared for in any relationship and help to safeguard us from unhealthy relationship dynamics. Exploring your boundaries is key to nurturing a sense of balance and contentment in your life.

SAIF : Stop Abuse in Families – Offers group and individual counselling, as well as education programs.
#402 – 22 Sir Winston Churchill Ave
St. Albert, AB T8N 1B4
780 460-2195
Email: info@stopabuse.ca

New Directions: A 22 week psycho-educational program providing groups for women and children who have experienced and witnessed domestic violence